honest

     When I read my blog posts from the past, I often picture a strong, young girl who is overcoming obstacles and loving herself along the way. She is a blessed warrior who loves the church and loves the people around her. But today I have a confession. Yes, I am that strong young girl but there are also moments (in the past and in fact...right now) when I feel unloved, unworthy and simply not good enough. Although I know that God loves me to the point He sent His precious Son to die on the cross for my sins, there are still moments when I do not feel satisfied with just that kind of love. What I mean is...It is often frustrating being alone without a boyfriend- someone who loves me for the person I am becoming. As I walk in malls and on the streets, it sometimes feels lonely watching couples pass by. I guess in my fantastical world... I wish there was someone who would wrap their arms around me during a cold winter day, wait with me at a bus stop, listen to my silly thoughts, text me good morning and remind me that I am beautiful.

     Although I am often confident in who I am, there are also days when I feel like I don't deserve the love of others. I am a girl with lots of not-so-attractive physical features (gummy teeth, uneven eyes, thin hair just to name a few). I am overly serious, not adventurous, not classy, not cute, awfully organized and can't shut up. I do not play video games, work out, play sports, have an outstanding social media account or dress well. What makes me a "attractive" significant other to anyone? 

     Over the past couple of years, there have been lots of social media posts, songs and albums that have been promoting the idea of loving yourself. Yes, logically speaking, I know what that looks like. But there are days like today...when I do not know how. In the midst of this frustration and sadness, I want to see myself as how God sees me. I want to see and believe that I am a beloved child of God, His beautiful creation, His workmanship. I want to see myself as how my future boyfriend/husband will see me (hopefully beautiful, precious, noble). 

This is a lot of honest thoughts for one day. I think I will stop there.

-cho

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