tea time

I met my younger self for tea this morning. I wore a black body suit and my favourite pair of blue flare jeans, with pink lip tint and my classic brown purse. She came in a black leggings, a coloured cami and blue jean jacket. With little red acne spots on her forehead and wavy dark brown hair, she apologized for being late because she just came from a youth fellowship church meeting.

I laughed quietly at her anxious energy and admired her love for those around her.

I asked how the meeting went and she gave me a thorough rundown- who attended, what she was excited about, elaborate plans on ways to make the fellowship program more engaging and build more connections between her church community. I soaked in all her youthful energy as I come to terms with my current reality. I'm a little burnout and tired from ministry and its endless list of obligations and responsibilities. Could I ask for a little bit of her zest and passion? Would she be generous enough to give some to me?

She orders a bubble tea with extra sugar and I order mine with 30%, and she proceeds to ask about whether or not I ended up scoring my dream job. With joy, I tell her yes and the story of God's providence as He opened one door after another. He provided me with opportunities even before I asked. I tell her I am doing what she dreams of- teaching psychology lessons, adding pop culture elements into my student activities and designing fun, creative assignments. I've carefully designed courses that I would have loved as a high school student and tests that will prepare students for post-secondary. I try my best to give detailed feedback and hope that all my students can succeed. Just like Ms. D., notes and tests are straightforward and will always be in printed in size 12 Calibri. During my lectures, students are note taking and scribbling down what I have written on the blackboard. I am conferencing with parents during parent-teacher interview night, giving updates on their child's progress. On a daily basis, I am photocopying, supervising clubs and marking piles of tests/assignments. I know deep down that these are small things that she hopes to do. I tell her that it is important to focus on the future but do not forget to treasure today, treasure the spontaneous mall trips and froyo adventures. It will be a learning curve mastering teaching and there will be some tearful afternoons but she will just fine. 

She nods her head with approval and asks about my love life. She assumes that since I am 27, I should have experienced at least one heartbreak and in a stable relationship. She innocently asks, did you not find anyone during your university years? Trying not to be offended, I begin laughing and she is slightly confused. I tell her about the dates and situations, and she blushes with excitement when I share about the wonderful conversations and meet cutes. I can tell that she is wondering why things haven't worked out but she is too afraid to ask. With maturity, I explain to her that one day, she will realize that relationships are quite complex and love is far more complicated than someone asking you out to prom. I proceed to tell her about my years spent journeying to being more comfortable in my skin, gentle, forgiving and empathic. There is so much that I need to work on and my life partner will join the journey at the right time. Somewhat satisfied with my answer, she nods slowly and proceeds to ask about how my close friends are doing. Thankfully, I still keep in touch with most of them. As I go through the list of friends, I tell her about their career achievements, engagements, loving relationships, wedding and babies on the way. In her eyes, I see a spark of envy and jealous. I catch on but she denies it. I remind her that for some, things happen in normative timelines. A significant lesson that she will eventually need to learn is not to compare, but to wholeheartedly celebrate when her friends are experience these joyous occasions. She is skeptical but I continue sharing about the beauty to every season. I talk about how being in your 20s will be different from your teenage years. Everyone's life will be look slightly different. While you feel like you are lacking, others will look at you and admire your successes and accomplishments.

She asks me about family and whether my siblings have found their occupational vocation. With confidence, I tell her about how our family is working busier than ever to earn money and serve the community around us. There are fewer family dinners and the concept of "regular schedule" has gone out the door but the late-night conversations and occasional sushi dinners keep us going. She looks at me with approval as if she knew what it meant to be a successful adult. I smile and remind her to treasure her time with grandma because her days are limited. She won't be here for her university graduation so she should capture her voice and the strength of her hands in the deepest parts of her memory stores because I would die to hear her voice and feel her presence just one more time.

I look at her in a moment in silence and she quickly tries to fill it with questions that I no longer remember. Thoughts race through my head as I see a young hopeful girl who has truly been never told no, unknowingly naive and rigid in her unique ways. She is going to be facing disappointment, rude comments, rejections, and frustration soon, and there is nothing to shield her from the realities of this world...so you ask her a final question before you need to head back to work. I ask her who she wants to be.

She enthusiastically says, I just want to be a good teacher, daughter, Christ-follower and friend. I gave her a tight hug and told her, "I love your wavy hair, your spirit of perseverance, your heart for others and your dedication to Jesus. Don't let what others say dictate your actions and how you feel. You are a precious daughter of God and more loved than you think."

She raised her eyebrows and asks how I knew that she was insecure about her wavy hair. I told her I had a gut feeling. She did not believe me but kindly responded, "Thanks for treating me to bubble tea today. I will make sure to treat someone else when I land my first real job. Never give up on being your creative self, okay?"

She walks out the door and I immediately miss her. She is a force who will need to learn to be gentle. She is a visionary who will learn to be bring plans to life. She is a planner who will need to navigate the storms of uncertainty. Though growth and maturity is good, there is a part of me that misses that overly chatty, feisty, dependent and empathetic girl.

~cho