clarity

What is my word of the year? I think the word clarity (/ˈklerədē/) describes this long, quiet 2020. Amidst cancelled plans, large group gatherings and trips, the world was forced to embrace a more isolated and ever-changing mode of living. I was challenged to submit to the rules of government authorities and patiently wait for "normal" life to return (if that is even possible at this point). Just like those around me and my favourite celebrities/influencers, I embarked on a personal journey, trying to make sense of the situation and to accept this new reality with positivity and hope. Through this year, I learned that busyness has often muddled up my vision. The sudden halt to long Sundays, 40-minute commutes and "planning for my future" gave space and time for me to do a double take on my life, God's character and my community. Here are some of my valuable lessons and moments of epiphany: 

(1) Less doing, more worshipping. As a ministry worker for many years, I have always packed my schedule with meetings, programs, meet-ups and checklists. Retreats were followed with conferences and then follow-up sessions and more planning meetings. When coronavirus halted in-person church activities, I was left with few responsibilities. For weeks, I sat at home in discomfort wondering what God was trying to say to the global and local church. After discernment, I truly believe that God is shaking our core and trying to remind us to return to Him. As church doors are closed, how do we continue to love and praise Him? How can we continue loving the broken and serving the needy? How are we trusting in His work and providence without hosting worship services and fancy, flashy revival meetings? Instead of searching to replace the past, I have learned to walk in the Lord with my close ones (family, discipleship group). I have learned to put on a worship song and lift my hands in praise in my car. Instead of thinking about conferences, I have learned to think about what it means to care for particular individuals around me. In loneliness and quietness, I have to trust that God will work and show Himself to the those who need Him. 

(2) God is so good. Growing up in a Christian family, I sang "God is so Good" since I was a child. In this particular year, I have truly witnessed this aspect of God. The first incident was when my grandmother passed away. It had always been a fear of mine that she would pass away painfully and without family by her side. However, God's goodness was evident when my grandmother was able to spend her last day on earth with her son and daughters. In their conversations, they reminisced her years as an entrepreneur and mother. In her favourite room, she was ushered into the arms of Jesus without listening to the sound of heart monitors and other machines. During this time frame, God provided each of us with the comfort that we needed...as she got to spend time with each of us. My last solid image is of her praying for me...what a beautiful image. God's goodness continues to be evident in my family as we have been able to spend so much time together. Through laughter, late-night conversations and dinners, we have been able to share company, something that I know will be rare as we grow up. We were able to re-watch our favourite dramas, share a drink and have occasional jam sessions.

(3) Love differently. Through this year, I learned to express love in different ways. As a quality time-kinda gal, I was stretched to be a "gifts" and "acts of service" person. By sending cookies, snail mail and dropping off food, I learned to be flexible in response to the circumstances. As Christ's ambassadors, we ought to persevere in finding ways to show care and support even when it feels awkward and random.

(4) My shortcomings. Perhaps it is because of the quietness of life, I feel like I have become more self-aware. Through my school placement, I have come to realize my weaknesses as a professional and educator. Although I may have graduated summa cau laude, I am certainly not a first-class empathizer or 100% caring teacher. Aside from being anxious, I often fail to seize opportunities to display my abilities to administrators. A part of me is sure that these weaknesses will be little things that will persist throughout my professional career. Although it is hard to accept my shortcomings, these revelations show me what 2021 will be about...it will be about becoming a more humble, loving educator. Instead of being easily angered and egotistic, I hope to replace it with compassion, confidence and understanding.

(5) Gratitude. When my city went into "pandemic mode" in 2020, I was left living everyday in my home. Waking up at 11am everyday, I felt like everyday was the same-- social media checks, making meals, watching youtube videos, fulfilling ministry responsibilities, family dinners and night walks. Very quickly, I fell into a rut. By May, I made an effort to develop a heart of thanksgiving. Even though everyday felt similar, I learned to find ways to be grateful. From beautiful weather to pretty harmonies in my favourite songs, I learned to acknowledge all the ways God continues to provide in what seems like a "stagnant" world. My privileged identity and lack of worries is a clear gift from my Heavenly Father. Instead of wasting the year asking God "why coronavirus," I have learned to open my eyes to the goodness that was often hidden in my busy life. 

(6) Quit visioning, start living in faith. If there is anything that this pandemic has taught me, it is learning how to live amidst uncertainty. As I was left with no summer job, family vacation, school placement and graduation trip, it was difficult learning to write in my agenda in pencil. As an avid planner, it was difficult not being able to draw out a 6-month and 1 year plan. The power of the virus did not only offer a glimpse into humanity's limited ability to control everything in our society, it also challenged us to lean in in faith that God has a great plan for each of our lives. "Great" does not mean wealth, health and comfort. "Great" means that it is what is best for us. Even though our plan for tomorrow and next month seems to be muddled, we ought to live in assurance of He is writing for us a story that is beautiful and good.

love,

cho